I made a decision. For myself. Instead of following the journey I was on, I wandered away, made a turn and ended up creating a path from scratch I never imagined I would ever be on. My own path. Custom. For me. Only me. One that did not lead to an instant or relatively speedy happiness like most endeavors. I chose one that has ripped me with its sharp teeth into countless pieces that has given me tears more painful than any I've ever cried before, hopelessness more grave than I ever have known---I only held on with a hope that all the little pieces would fall to the ground and become seeds to grow into beautiful flowers; That was my only one hope, just one, and it required a mountain of different flavors of patience.
"So I experienced doubt in my tenacity for the first time in my life. First time, no joke. I felt like a worm in my huge pile of failures. Still, I kept going. I kept doing. I kept going. I kept pushing and pushing on. Lectured myself. Took care of myself as best as I could in some very weakened states."
The making of Miss Quantum has been soul shredding and soul building---but not always at the exact same time. Some days, it has kicked me down so hard that I hardly wanted to be alive anymore, consumed by self-doubt and uncertainties in my own tenacity...which has always been very strong. So, I experienced doubt in my tenacity for the first time in my life. First time. no joke. I felt like a worm in my huge pile of failures. Still, I kept going. I kept doing. I kept going. I kept pushing and pushing on. Lectured myself. Took care of myself as best as I could in some very weakened states. And in the future, I will have a ton more failures, too. It is a continual process - no matter what it seems or looks like from the outside to others. The higher the levels, the bigger the demons, per se. Not smaller. You ought to expect that, I sure didn't.
"The higher the levels, the bigger the demons, per se.
Not smaller. You have to expect that, I sure didn't."
What I am always learning is that every decision I make has repercussions and no matter how big or how tiny a choice--- people will cast judgement and an opinion about it. Its my choice to let these opinions effect how I see myself ...on top of how I already see myself--- just like you, I experience the pitfalls of being human. What path I take next and effect the ultimate goal...happiness.
And it is your choice, too.
It is your turn now.