Instead of following any "journey", I wandered away to create a PROCESS.
My own path. Custom. For me. Only me.
One that did not lead to an instant or relatively speedy "get-happy-now" endeavor so many seek. I chose one that has ripped me with its sharp teeth into countless pieces that has given me tears more painful than any I've ever cried before, more hopelessness and more grave than I ever have known. I only held on with a hope that all the little pieces would fall to the ground and become seeds to grow into beautiful flowers; That was my only shred of faith, just one, and it required a mountain of different flavors of patience.
I experienced doubt in my tenacity for the first time in my life. First time. I felt like a worm in my huge pile of failures. Still, I kept going. I kept doing. I kept going. I kept pushing and pushing on. Lectured myself. Took care of myself as best as I could in some scary and weakened states.
The building of Miss Quantum has been both, equally, soul shredding and soul building---but not always at the exact same time. Some days, it has kicked me down so hard that I hardly wanted to be alive anymore-- consumed by self-doubt and uncertainties in my own courage and tenacity...which has always been super-strong and fearless.
I'd experienced doubt in my tenacity for the first time in my life. First time. I felt like a pathetic worm in my huge pile of failures. Still, I kept going. I kept doing. I kept believing. I kept pushing and kept fighting forward. I lectured myself and took care of myself as best as I could in very weakened states. And in the future, I will have a ton more failures, too. It is a continual process - no matter what it seems or looks like from the outside to others.
The higher the levels, the bigger the demons.. Not smaller. You have to expect that, I sure didn't.
What I am always learning is that every decision I make has repercussions and no matter how big or how tiny a choice--- people will cast judgement and an opinion about it. Its my choice to allow opinions influence how I see myself, and just like you, I experience the pitfalls of being a flawed human.
And it is your choice. It is YOUR turn now.
Always rooting for you!
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